There are few moments in life when I see things so clearly. This is one of those moments.
As I was sitting in meditation this morning, I was overcome by gratitude. The life I have isn’t the life I pictured - not in the slightest. What hit me so deeply though is that this life, this exact life, is more than I ever could have dreamed of. That’s true in so many ways, despite the very humanness of the hardships I face every single day.
Part of that gratitude seamlessly wandered into speaking to my body. This isn’t an uncommon occurrence for me. It just hit differently today. As I began to thank my body for all that it has done and continues to do for me, I was overcome by the love I have for her. This beautiful, miraculous body - the same body that I spent decades trying to change through any means necessary to fit what I thought society wanted from her - this body, has loved me unconditionally. There has never been a moment in my life when my body wasn’t FOR me. In the depths of illness and dis-ease, my body was unquestionably still fighting for me.
I spent so much of my life wishing this body was different - thinner, less cellulite, prettier, blonde, less freckled, less stretch marks, better definition. The list goes on. As much as it pains me to say this now, there were even years that I wished that I would get a disease that forced me to change the way I fed my body. All of this wishing led me to believe that I couldn’t trust in my body’s innate abilities. I genuinely believed there was something deeply wrong with her. I believed that, in the best case scenario, she was something I would have to settle for and in the worst case, she was a mechanism through which I received punishment.
When I got sick, that worst case scenario became the foundation on which I built my beliefs. I couldn’t trust anything my body did because she was against me. She was just another form of punishment I deserved because I was bad… and wrong… and not enough, not for her, not for anyone.
I think that’s what struck me so deeply today. The genuine love I have for my body now is nothing short of a miracle. I can see all the ways in which she listened to me throughout the years. Even in illness and hating myself, she stayed with me. She protected me. My body showed up, day after day, in every way possible. When the nausea & stomach pain took over and I couldn’t eat, she kept fighting. She allowed me to nourish myself with anything I could stomach (which was mostly potatoes for a couple of years). She processed the dozens of supplements and medications I took daily, without ever failing. She sat through being poked and prodded, with countless IV’s. She helped me to rest when I had pushed myself so far, for so many years, that there was no end to the cycle in sight. She reacted to things that I told her were “bad” - like gluten, and dairy, and sugar. She also believed me when I told her that those foods were actually “good.” She accepted their nourishment once again. She built protection around the physical traumas I received. She spoke to me in my gut every time I let in an energy that wasn’t my own. She believed me when I said that I would never get better. Then, she believed me when I told her I would heal 100%. When I couldn’t walk & was having panic attacks, she told me not to worry, that she would carry the burden. My body fought to return to homeostasis after every skipped heartbeat, every crash, every episode that sent me to the hospital looking for answers.
She allowed me to stay here, to learn that I am worthy, that I deserve love, that I have purpose. She held all of the hurt, the trauma, the pain. She carried it so selflessly that I didn’t even realize what she was doing. I even blamed her. All the time I thought my body was against me, quietly & without my knowing, she was fighting for me. She was holding me. She was always, always on my side.
To realize this, is life-changing. It took me decades to even begin. It took me falling to my knees, at rock-bottom, to believe that there could be a different way. Grateful doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel when I think about all that my body has done for me. She saved me when I wasn’t sure that I wanted to be saved.
Nowadays, I only speak life into my body. Often, it looks like this. I put my hand on my chest and I close my eyes. I picture a color that feels like healing. I picture the color as a warm glow coming form my hand to my chest. I picture that same glow spreading to the parts of my body that need the most love in that moment. I thank my body for all that she has done to keep me safe up until that point and I remind her that she doesn’t need to do things the same way anymore. I remind her that I’m here now. I know who I am and that I don’t need her to try to protect me in the same ways she used to. I let her know that she can release the past traumas and pain that she held for me. I don’t need to be protected from them any longer. I tell her, at a chemical level, that she is loved and cared for and that I am with her now. We get to do this human life TOGETHER. She doesn’t have to carry that burden alone any longer. I tell her I love her and that I am so very grateful, each and every day for her - exactly as she is.
I do this practice often, sometimes in meditation (or what I call meditation anyhow) and sometimes just in a moment when I feel a sensation arise that doesn’t align with who I am anymore. When I feel anxious or angry, scared or ashamed, I remind my body that it’s safe to feel these things. I don’t fight against them anymore. I welcome them with love and grace. I wrap these feelings in my arms and I tell my body she doesn’t need to carry them for me. She can release them.
I tell her this with food too. I do my best to nourish my body and part of that, is no foods are off limits. Part of the healing I needed was to allow ALL foods to be nourishing. Each time that I eat, I picture the food I’m about to consume, wrapped in that same beautiful healing light that I mentioned before. I tell my body that she should use what she needs from it and to allow the rest to pass through. I remind her that it isn’t scary for me to eat now so she doesn’t need to hold fear for me either. I tell her that I will do my best to nourish her and to gently let me know what else she needs. I also remind her that imperfection is beautiful… and also healing.
I do this with exercise, or long work days, or traveling too… all things I used to be unable to do or was afraid of. I remind her that each new situation is wonderful and a blessing. I remind her that this is the ONLY day. We aren’t guaranteed any others. Even if she isn’t feeling great, I choose that exact moment. I choose to be here with her, now.
There are no words that even begin to touch how I feel when it comes to this life nowadays. My body, my purpose, my relationships, my passions. I am filled with love in a way I didn’t know existed. When I used to think about the pain I have endured in my life, I was filled with grief and sadness. All I could see was the loss. Now though, all I can see is the love. There is love so great that it won’t let me settle for less. There is no area of my life that has been untouched by love and grace.
In the midst of my darkest hour, I could never have imagined that I would be here, now. I am forever grateful for all of it - every single moment of my life.
And, this body - this beautiful, amazing, wonderful, miraculous, body - allows me be here. She is perfectly imperfect and I am so in love with her.